INTRODUCTION EXAMPLE – Original
Do you think you are always doing the same things in your daily life, just like a machine doing the same things every day? If you have this kind of thinking, have you ever tried to make your life better? Sometimes I really think that my life is like a formula. The same things happen day after day and there is a lack of interesting new things. So I just wonder, how can I live well?
STRONG POINTS: Good use of questions (asks a question that audience is likely to answer yes, leads naturally into subject of speech). Shows relevance of speech to audience (help them make their lives better). Attracts interest.
WEAK POINTS: Ordering of sentences (questions) a little disorganized—no obvious logical sequence. Begins by talking about doing new things and then asks how to live well, without making connection between doing new things and living well.
INTRODUCTION EXAMPLE – Revised
Do you think you are always doing the same things in your daily life, just like a machine doing the same thing over and over? If you think so, maybe you should make trying new things part of your lifestyle. If you’re like me, you’ll find that it really makes your life better. I found four different methods for finding new things to do, and I’d like to share some examples of how I used these methods.
Do you think the revised version addresses the weak points in the original? Does the introduction achieve all the functions that an introduction is supposed to? How effective is this introduction? What further improvements could be made?
There are many new things we can try to make our lives better. Everything you have never tried can be new things. These new things really make my life more interesting. So, what are you waiting for? Just go ahead and try some things you haven’t done before!
As you can see, there are many new things we can try that will make our lives better and more interesting. You can do routine things a different way, you can try different types of the things you already enjoy, you can learn something new, and you can change your environment. So, what are you waiting for? Just go ahead and try some things you’ve never done before!
Can you tell which conclusion is the original and which is the revised version? Which do you think is the better? Why? What functions of a conclusion does it achieve? How effective is this conclusion? What further improvements could be made?